Lester Pickens on “Socialism”

by scabeen on August 30, 2010

Letter from Mr. Lester M. Pickens of Deep Gap, North Carolina (that’s me in the middle with my buddies)

Dear Miss Shirley Youre Joking:

My daughter out in California sent me your blog about all that goverment they have in Sweden and up north. Mam, I don’t mean no disrepect but I think there’s too much damn govament meddlin’ in America already. We don’t need no big taxes and federal programs to get along supporting our own kin and ourselves. When I was a young’un we all helped each other here in the gap. There was hardly no government at all and that suited us just fine. There was plenty of money to be made in the moonshine business by the time you was fourteen years old and no taxes neither.

Most of my life I worked cutting wood until I sawed off my toe and had to go on the state disability. Luckily I knew how to make a few bucks on the side thanks to my teenage years. Still no taxes on what they don’t know about! I didn’t have to go lookin’ for no inside job where smokin’ might of been outlawed by some sissy busybodies.

I got me a nice cabin, real deep in the valley. I don’t come out much, except to go the quarter mile to the mailbox at the beginning of the month to get my social check and then cash it at the bank in town. If I have to go the doctor, they got a nice van that comes down here once a week to pick you up and take you. Deep Gap City knows how to take care of their own. That ride only costs me $1, real reasonable. Sometimes we stop at the Old Folks Center where you can get a tasty lunch for $1.25, hot food and strong coffee.

Last year my hip went out and them young doctors at the Memorial Hospital fixed me up good with a brand new hip made out of metal. It didn’t cost me hardly nothing. Just gave them that red, white and blue Medicare card. Seemed they was happy with that.

Now I am fixin’ to get a ride to one of the them Tea Party rallies. I hear tell there’ll be free hot dogs. I hope that good lookin’ young woman from Alaska with the glasses will be there. She’s a hottie and she can give “what for” to all them liberals trying to take over America. She understands we need to get back to the way we used to be, self-reliant like. And Miss Shirley, you tell Uncle Sam and that colored fella to keep their govment mitts off my Medicare. The other hip is startin’ to hurt.

Lester M. Pickens

{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

Dawn Bein August 30, 2010 at 8:01 pm

That was so clever! Now I have to read it again, since I have just stopped laughing. I will be looking for Shirleyisms!

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